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TV Highlights

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M	T
Classic Gold 20:00 Downton Cabbie Critically acclaimed period drama following hoity-toity posh nob the Earl of Grantham as he struggles to be accepted by the working class world of London taxi driving. This week: embarrassment when the Earl realises that 'doing the knowledge' doesn't mean reading Latin at Oxford.	SyFy Cobblers 19:30 The Adventures of Mystical Merkin King Arthur's pubic wig wearing magician finds himself pitched against a fierce fire breathing monster. Can the pubeless wizard overpower the evil dragon or will his medieval imitation bush go up in flames?

W	Th
Cook Old on 1 21:00 Nigel Slater's Simple Fucking Easy no nonsense kitchen intercourse. Pants off, in, out, job done. It'll be a miracle if she produces even a droplet of moisture before he's smoking a fag and boiling the kettle.	History Channel 18:00 Stephen Fry's Classic Helmets The atmosphere is electric as England's favourite personality tours the UK in search of golden age protective headgear. Tonight Stephen holds in his hands a scratched but beautiful 15th century helmet thought to have been kissed by the Duchy of Lancaster.

F	S
Film 5 23:00 FILM: The Whore Whisperer Heart-warming drama chronicling an amateur psychologist who devotes his life to reforming prostitutes by whispering sensually in their ear while feeding them sugar lumps.	Food on TV19:30 Saturday Night Kitchen James Martin hosts the cookery show that just can't be arsed to cook. Food heaven or food hell beckons as a phone call to a random takeaway serves up a delicately spiced Pad Thai or the Vindalooed remains of an Environmental Health Officer who just didn't know when to back off.

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ITV 7 19:30
How to Look Good Naked
Catty queer Gok Wan tells Julie from Goole that to look good sans attire she basically has three options: 1) Spend thousands on a professional photo artist to airbrush away her physical repugnance. 2) Spend thousands on years of horrendously risky surgical procedures in an attempt to strip away her physical repugnance. 3) Cover the fuck up.