The decision was taken a fortnight ago by Iain Dowie after the highly paid football consultant saw a Crested Schnauzer on You’ve Been Framed dribble a squeaky rubber chicken past a pair of Chihuahuas before effortlessly nutmegging a furious goalkeeping Pit Bull.

 

He said: “I honestly believe training a footballer is the same as training a dog. All right, I admit I’m desperate and it’s this or try each player with an orthopaedic shoe.”

 

As boxes of IAMS began arriving at the KC Stadium - and a necklace of cured pig’s cocks for half-time - Mr. Millan explained that player fitness was high priority but team dynamic top of the agenda.

 

“I’ve watched a few games and they scamper and fall about the pitch like blind puppies hunting a misplaced teat, though the harmony should improve once I introduce into the pre-match dressing room the mutual sniffing of each other’s scent glands.” 

 

“If not, Dean Windass said he’ll come back for the last match of the season if I play him up front for the last three minutes for £100k, some Burger King vouchers, and a corporate worming.”

 

But after less than a month under the new system it was confirmed that Jimmy Bullard would be dropped from the squad following fears the unorthodox regime had affected his health.

 

A source at the club said: “I regret to announce that during last Saturday’s Match of the Day the confused midfielder mounted a widescreen TV in a popular city centre pub in a sexual assault described by the landlord as “pure animal”. The motive behind the attack is unclear, but experts believe it was perhaps triggered by Gary Linekar’s left leg teasing and flaunting itself throughout the programme like a lusty bitch on heat.”