Officials became concerned for the welfare of seventy five year-old Albert Smith – aka the Batman – when the utility braces he wears in lieu of a utility belt became tangled round his ankles.

 

A spokesman for Greenwoods said: ‘I wouldn’t recommend pinning anything to a pair of braces, certainly not two bottles of homebrew, a spare set of teeth and a teasmaid.’

 

In recent months the old war hero has staged a series of rooftop protests across the region, fighting for the rights of Grandparents in a pair of his dead wife’s tights.

 

He said: ‘Since my son was diagnosed as clinically idle, I’ve had to look after his eight year-old Shane, the seven year-old twins Tyler and Troy, plus Britney the five year-old, Kylie the other five year-old, and Jordan the five year-old we’re not sure about ‘til the bloodtest comes back.’

 

He went on: ‘They cost me a fortune in Xbox games, McFlurries and fags. I’d like to consolidate all six kids into a single affordable child, but even Ocean Finance won’t help.’

 

And he went on: ‘At my time of life I should be experimenting with Viagra, not conjuring a ten pence piece from behind the dirt-encrusted ear of some manic little bleeder on a puke-filled bus trip to Cleethorpes.’

 

And still he went on: ‘I’m even prepared to put myself on some kind of register just to get rid.’

 

A hemp-wearing Social Worker said: ‘Old folk nowadays are only too keen to offload their social duty onto the less able, usually out of some misguided notion that if you made a single sheet of lavatory paper last from the invasion of Poland to the Battle of Stalingrad then you already did your bit.’

 

She added: ‘I’m sorry, but I’ve fostered twelve year-olds that can finish Call of Duty before the truant officer realises they’re not in school, so how hard can it have been to dodge a few bullets on a beach at Normandy?’