Football governing body FIFA has refused to apologise after it sent personalised World Cup invitations to some of the country’s most dangerous hooligans, in the hope their natural bonhomie and love of the game might add a frisson of excitement to some of the more pointless Group E matches.

Renowned Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan has been secretly training Hull City Football Club in a bid to keep the failing side from relegation, it emerged today.