Following the continued controversy around this year’s budget, Hull City Council have announced a groundbreaking solution to produce next year’s financial plan – typewriting monkeys.

 

The idea makes use of a locked chamber at an undisclosed location filled with excitable monkeys all hammering away until they produce something that vaguely resembles coherent thought. A spokesman described it as, “Quite a lot like this year’s process, but with less shit breaks.”

 

The theory – known scientifically as the ‘Infinite Monkey Hypothesis’ – states that given enough time monkeys hitting random keys on a typewriter will write any text desired, such as the complete works of Shakespeare, Wordsworth, or if they’ve been deranged by prolonged captivity, the latest Dan Brown novel.

 

Hull University’s Professor Chip Raztenburger who is designing the experiment said, “Calculations suggest that for something as complicated as a Shakespearean play, the monkeys would need to be typing for hundreds of thousands or maybe even millions of years. However for a Hull City Council budget, my best guess is about an hour and a half. That includes a break for coffee, banana muffins and violent ape sex.”

 

Yet despite this radical approach the criticisms continue. One Labour Councillor noted that the original theory only works if the primates attempt to reproduce a text that already exists. He said, “If they’re starting from scratch, how will we know if their hairy hands are typing something useful or scripting starring roles for themselves in a Planet of the Apes remake?”