The recent outbreak of bubonic plague in the region has forced Hull City Council to extend its bin collection service to include the dead, it was announced today..

 

The plague has already claimed hundreds of lives and is believed to have started when numerous rats streamed from Hull’s Guildhall following a meeting of the Cabinet committee. Many now fear a catastrophe if the disease spreads to somewhere the Council gives a shit about, like Kirkella.

 

Hull City Council’s Barry Overlord explained the new service, “We have a duty to get this under control. However, I can’t stress enough how sympathetic this service will be. We’ve modified some ice cream vans to play the theme from ‘The Omen’ and on bin day we’ll drive these at speed through affected neighbourhoods, shouting ‘bring out your dead’ over a tannoy.”

 

He went on, “We’ll then collect the specially marked wheelie-bins wearing top hats, like Victorian pall bearers. It’s important that people use the right bins though, and indicate whether they want burial or cremation. We haven’t got time to frig about.”

 

Whilst many appear to welcome the service, especially at a time when money’s too tight to waste on the dead, others seem less impressed. Bransholme resident Terry McCann told us, “Even before the horror of mass deaths, the standard of the bin-collection service would frequently make me weep uncontrollably, so not much has changed really.”

 

Others complain that their bins haven’t been collected at all, yet Hull City Council blames residents themselves. Overlord explained, “Lids must be completely closed, with no exception. You can always request extra if you can’t fit your loved one into a standard 120 litre receptacle.”

 

“The scavengers get in, you see. Not only is it distressing for loved ones to see Granny’s face chewed up like a discarded kebab, but the lads don’t like it either. I mean, just the thought of it? It’s almost as revolting as our Carol’s hysterectomy.”