Tory ministers today revealed plans to swap their Liberal Democrat coalition partners for a Big Society style gang of volunteers happy to forfeit their otherwise pointless existence for a brief career as specious political puppets.

 

Local Government Minister, 'Big Society' champion and professional fat pig Eric Pickles explained: “Everything was fine while the Lib Dems were prepared to announce our more unsavoury policies through wide smiles more false than an ecstatic air stewardess applying vigorously unsatisfying fellatio.”

 

“But lately Vince Cable looks like someone shat in his hot-pot, while Nick Clegg barely manages a grimace with his 'assert our liberal identity' this and 'I love you David, stop being so fucking horrid to me' that.”

 

“So last week we convened an impromptu 'War Room' down at the Carlton Club where, relaxing over vintage cognac and hand-rolled Havanas, Darcy and Villers formulated plans to cut the vapid fuckers loose, while I gorged myself on 3 lasagne verdis and a packet of crisps.”

 

The plan is a twisted take on the 'Big Society' – the government's flagship vague unfulfilled policy promise to make the gullible work for free – and will replace the more chameleon-esque part of the coalition with what George Osborne fondly describes as: “thousands of retired sanctimonious professionals desperate to demonstrate their patriotism by nobly shovelling up non-EEC regulated Great British dog shit."

 

A further announcement named the new Deputy Prime Minister as Kenneth Jacobs, a retired High Court Judge whose Facebook profile lists his hobbies as: 'inciting violent anti-Semitism', 'the corrective rape of vociferous feminists' and 'helping out at the local Meals on Wheels service'.

 

Pickles added: "As for the rest of the Liberals, we'll replace them with a random selection of hopeless drunks, hapless depressives and the long term disabled. No-one will notice the difference.”

 

In our region, candidates will be selected from prisoners recently released from HM Prison Hull as their experiences at the centre of a network of organised crime and an addiction to recreational sodomy will make them invaluable to the successful delivery of the Conservative Party Manifesto.

 

Bilton Grange ex-con Terry McCann welcomed the news saying: “I can't wait to start working with my Tory councillor. Hopefully he'll teach me about the local democratic process and I’ll demonstrate how to bore out a burglar’s arsehole."

 

“Or maybe we’ll do it the other way around?”