As the Council woke up in a skanky bed-sit - wallet ransacked, wristwatch pawned, and with an angry rash breaking out on its workforce - it admitted that yet again it had succumbed to the first CV to blow in its ear and promise that for just a few quid it could be made to feel like a top performing Authority.

 

In a press statement identical to that used every other time it’s been caught on all fours “receiving consultancy”, the Council said: “I know it’s wrong but I saw this advertisement in Bullshit Manager Monthly that said ‘You Can’t Turn a Tanker Round With a Speedboat’ and before I knew it I’d called the 0898 number nearly five hundred times desperate to hear all that clever talk about “demographic incentivisation” and “grabbing the low hanging fruit.”

 

“And it’s a slippery slope from phone consultancy to full-blown corporate penetration.”

 

The statement went on to ask that not a single word concerning this minor indiscretion be breathed to the Local Government Ombudsman, and in return Council Tax would be frozen.

 

A spokesman for the people of Hull said: “No more shall we stand for the wasting of public money! Comrades unite!”

 

He then added: “A freeze on Council Tax? Fuckin’ game on!”

 

The Management Consultant in question was unavailable for comment but was seen entering a back-street hotel shortly before a gold-plated marrow-sized dildo in a velvet-lined presentation box was delivered by hand to the honeymoon suite. It was unclear which Local Authority was tied to the bed with its botty in the air.