The swoop happened around lunchtime, just as suspects all across the country were taking well-earned breaks from photographing benefit-grabbing immigrants and Government-funded paedophiles through a rip in the living room curtain.

 

A spokesperson for Scotland Yard said: "Previously we’ve been unable to catch this lot red-handed due to the way they conceal the telltale newspaper between the covers of a more socially acceptable publication like Take a Break, TV Quick, or Build a Belsen in Twelve Easy Parts (Free Adolf Eichmann Action Figure with Part One)."

 

"But under the revised Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act we now know everything about everyone, including which newspaper they read."

 

He added: "Personally I see nothing wrong with this type of cutting-edge journalism, but not everyone has a third in Holocaust Denial from the University of Central England."

 

It’s believed the offender floored its Vauxhall Zafira in a pre-medidated hit and run designed to remove the last of New Labour’s socialist principles and shift the country into a state of right-wing bliss (apart from the rules around Disability Living Allowance, which would be relaxed due to the assailant’s terrible bad back).

 

Denied bail through fear he may intimidate witnesses with an inflammatory headline, the scourge of the scrounging Somalian, as he likes to be known, was dragged from the court in a torrent of abuse.

 

"He was shouting and screaming about Gordon Brown," said an onlooker from the public gallery. "I didn’t realise the former Prime Minister used to pay a pound a day to every Asylum Seeker who agreed not to deal drugs! And I certainly didn’t know they had Sky HD in Pentonville!"

 

In addition to the murder charge the defendant was held in contempt of court due to his “ridiculous outburst”.

 

Judge F. E. Mason said: "Your claims are based on nothing but lies and racist propaganda. Only once has a convicted rapist been given a Government-funded laptop, and even then it was part of a rehabilitation programme designed to help with his research into abandonment issues while improving levels of literacy by keeping in touch with former victims through Facebook."

 

He added: "Of course, it also gave the taxpayer a better deal by allowing him to order and build his own bed, washstand and WC from IKEA’s website."