Hi,

So, the missiles are aimed at London, New York and the X Factor studios; James Bond is suspended above a school of frenzied piranha you've been goading with Anne Robison pictures; and all morning you've been practicing your tyrannical laugh in the bathroom mirror - when suddenly the Icelandic-volcano-cum-secret-hideaway that's been home for thirty years decides to erupt. Decades of world domination planning ruined, and all anyone cares about is international air travel. Isn't it just typical?

The general election has had its fair share of villainy too, though the greatest treachery may yet be committed by a lack-lustre Etonian with a pudgy face reminiscent of anaphylaxis and a Liberal Democrat with a reassuringly northern moniker, but the demeanour of a fragrant shandy drinker.

Maybe next time, each party could represent their sincere manifesto pledges using a modern metaphor - a vacuous manifestation of consumerist greed:

• Liberal Democrats: A luxurious box of chocolates that, when opened, contains far fewer chocolates than expected.
• New Labour: A luxurious box of chocolates (Gordon agrees with Nick about confectionery) that, when opened, contains no chocolates.
• UKIP: A luxurious box of chocolates, but none of that so called 'posh' Euro muck (Don’t tell Nigel that Cadbury has gone to the Yanks, he’s a bit delicate at the moment).
• BNP: A luxurious box of chocolates, but no dark and especially no milk chocolates which are a filthy abomination against our own indiginous white British chocolates.
• Conservatives: A luxurious box of superior chocolates (secretly Dave also agrees with Nick, Nick Griffin that is), each proffering a feast of smooth upper-class decadence, but leaving a bitter after-taste of squalid duplicity.

Or we could just go with voting reform and call and end to the whole sorry saga?
Nah, let's stick with the chocolates. Who's for a Yorkie?

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