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February 2010 Newsletter

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Hi,

The February newsletter arrives wearing a black armband, following sad news that the shit which Grimsby MP Austin Mitchell needed to prove that his party still give failed to appear. Despite the reality-TV show Tower Block of Commons offering an ideal stage for this now almost mythical shit to be bequeathed, the programme was completely free from the giving of any shit whatsoever, or any suggestion that the giving of a shit was still party policy.

Staying with the politics of delusion, Pauline Prescott’s latest book describes how husband John proposed in a train toilet but went on to break her heart by confessing a seedy affair with a former secretary, a revelation which must have come as a real shock following such a Mills and Boon beginning to married life.

So for Valentine’s Day how better to show you care than by locking your sweetheart in a 3 x 2 cubicle beside an unflushable chicken nugget, a crushed can of McEwan’s Export and a pair of tits from Club International stuck to the mirror … before whispering softly those few simple words that will symbolise the moment forever: “Any chance of a hand job before Newcastle?”

Enjoy the latest stories, check out this month’s TV highlights, see if you can crack last month's crossword and don’t forget to vote in the Big Question!

Windmill whisks ‘Little Amsterdam’ to East Hull
A wind turbine in East Hull is revitalising the local community, with many now dubbing the area, 'Little Amsterdam'.

Hull History Centre Proves "More to the Past than Big Hats and Pisspots"
Staff at Hull’s brand new History Centre today took their expertise on the road to promote the city’s multi-million pound state-of-the-art archive, in a publicity stunt that saw researchers tracing family trees in betting shops, bingo halls, and even a brothel.

Hull School Buses to be fitted with Hannibal Lecter restraints
In a radical move to tackle disruptive behaviour on buses, East Yorkshire pupils will be made to wear Hannibal Lecter style restraints during their journey to and from school, it emerged today.

Bloodstained flat cap may hold link to Prescott killer
Detectives in Hull today launched a murder hunt following the discovery of what experts believe to be the remains of John Prescott’s working class values.

Local Sex Shop Saved by Hardened Campaigners
An adult entertainment emporium has won its battle to stay open after a group of naked campaigners attached pierced body parts to nearby railings and refused to be moved.

Chumps-Élysées (24 Hours in France) - Part 1
This time, following last month’s fun-packed skiing trip to the Taliban-controlled regions of northern Pakistan, Alan's sojourn takes him on a 24 hour city break in cosmopolitan Lyon, France.