|
Women young and old, beautiful and ugly (especially the ugly) were today disguising their extra nipples and jamming the Germaine Greer hotline as news emerged that Hull’s self-proclaimed Witchfinder General, Peter Burnham, has received the go ahead from the Slavic Council of Witchfinders to conduct trials at The Deep.
The plans approve the erection of a ducking stool over the main tank to test the guilt of the accused. Those able to swim are possessed by a power granted by ‘he who walks at midnight’, whereas any drowners take a clear conscience to the salty depths. However, on a happier note, Halloween gifts will be available from The Deep’s visitor shop, all year round.
Peter explained, “These misguided women who are in league with Satan and have traded their mortal souls for the power to float, or anyone who received there 10m badge at school, will be dragged to a therapeutic funeral pyre where we’ll dance and sing as they fizzle and burn. Of course, there will be a small minority that are innocent, but the sharks will probably eat those, so apologies in advance.”
Burnham’s suspicion of all things ‘female’ came to light last month when he started an on-air campaign for men to be vigilant against the devil’s mark, replacing the previous Monday night Look North segment in which a kilted Hannah Moffat deep-fried an assortment of confectionery for random strangers.
It’s also been revealed that a shortlist of suspected witches will be put to the public vote in an exciting new weekly show, ‘Look North’s Witch Factor’. Burnham explained, ‘I’m keen to find a cheap supplier of high-waisted trousers, any ideas? Oh the show? Yes, it’s a fantastic opportunity for one disgusting harlot to cling to life. Admittedly we’re not sure what the surviving witch will win as yet, but with all that public support, we probably won’t broil her.”
He added, “I’m a big fan of the new Lloyd-Webber vehicles, ‘I’d do anything’ and ‘How do you solve a problem like Maria?’ So maybe we’ll do something like that. Actually there’s a perfect part in the up and coming amateur production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’, now that we seem to have accidentally roasted the actors playing two witches and a wizard sometime last week.”
Peter’s 4-point sure-fire witch spotter
1) If she answers ‘yes’ to any of the following questions, “Do you like cats?”, “You know that play, Macbeth?”, “Fancy going to that Psychic Fair next Sunday?” She’s a witch!
2) If she has an unusual mark on any part of her body, including moles, birth marks, fingernails, or hair that grows without being watered? She’s a slut for the Prince of Darkness!
3) If she becomes difficult and demanding once a month, seemingly unable to function like a rational human being, then the devil’s in her belly. Witch alert. Wah! Wah!
4) If her moods don’t appear to be governed by a monthly ‘cycle’, but she’s over the age of approximately 45 or under the age of around 12, burn her! (and any pets)
|
