For fifty-three year-old Pete Green – or ‘Monsters Inc’ to his friends – life has been companionless and empty, to the point that desperate relatives have now turned to the local press, who despite their nausea managed to issue an improbable yet heart-felt appeal.

 

‘The process has been slow,’ said Yorkshire Post editor Jack Hack. ‘Not due to lack of applicants but because most had to be disqualified under Section 4 of the Mental Health Act.’

 

He added: ‘I’m still getting the weird phone calls, not to mention the shit-smeared toast through the letterbox.’

 

The nationwide grunt-hunt has been welcomed by Pete’s mother, who suffered only a playful tap from the ugly stick compared to the relentless battering received by her unfortunate son who, from the age of three months, has been forced to conceal his phizog under a paper bag.

 

‘I’ve always worried lack of a girlfriend might affect his health,’ she explained. ‘Years ago I had a Spaniel that reduced its reproductive organ to a bloody stump during an amorous liaison with a Chesterfield. I don’t believe my boy would resort to molesting furniture, though I have noticed a tendency to make eye contact with Henry Hoover, the nozzle of which I’ve protected with a ring of barbed wire.’

 

Green’s father said: ‘He’s a decent lad and not the freak show people make out. All he did that time was lick his lips while walking past a primary school. Can a man not quench his parched skin in public these days?’

 

The lucky finalists will be invited to take part in a remake of classic television show Blind Date, in which Club 18-30 rejects scrape the barrel of innuendo before struggling to suppress mutual loathing on a romantic weekend in Margate.
 

Blind Date host Filla Crack said: ‘I’m confident we can find this pleasant young man a soul mate, simply by matching their likes and dislikes, their hobbies and their interests, their hopes, their dreams, their aspirations … ’

 

She added: ‘And if not they can each uncup a bosom and we’ll see which makes Quasi stomp his clubfoot in appreciation.’