In response to rising complaints concerning unruly behaviour on buses, and with the British Government keen to foster better relations with militants in the Middle East, local firm Stagecoach have subcontracted several Hull routes to Afghan insurgency movement and amateur bus operators the Taliban.

From this week a new, more strict code of conduct will be introduced on all routes:
 

No music - of any kind, apart from ‘The Prophet’ Cliff Richard, or ‘he who has no urges’ as she’s known in Afghanistan.

No dancing – frivolous footwork is strictly forbidden, including the Morris dance, River Dance and Charles Dance, none of which are mentioned in the Qur'an.

No shaving or trimming of beards – not only is it unholy, but it leaves an unholy mess on the carpet.

No dancing at weddings – always unacceptable, unless it’s on the bride.

No clapping – or hands will be in jeopardy.

No flying of kites – and definitely not to be used as the ‘running’ metaphor in a renowned best seller with a film option.

No gambling - although the chances of you boarding and reaching your destination without receiving a beating from a religious ‘teacher’ is a gamble.

No sorcery – anything unexplainable falls into this category, including electricity and feminine guile, neither of which is mentioned in the Qur'an.

No representational art – and be warned that any ‘amusing’ cartoons of Mohammed will be sternly met with an international overreaction.

No carriage for women engaged in education or personal betterment – this excludes female students attending Hull College, which doesn’t count as education.

No displaying of pictures or portraits – unless it’s an action shot of western soldiers crying like girls under enemy fire, which we may keep for entertainment purposes.

No western hairstyles – especially perms. Also, male highlights are punishable by beheading.

No female clothing deemed stimulating or attractive – tight shell-suits are, quite naturally, exempt.

No washing clothes in streams – we’re unable to make unscheduled stops under any circumstances.

No travel after the 9pm curfew – unless you’re a music-hating, two-left-footed, bearded, kite-despising, sorceror-suspicious, anti-art, anti-gambling, anti-portrait misogynist who foams at the sight of suggestive female clothing, western hairstyles and anyone washing their clothes in a stream, then it’s fine.
 

But No. 63 driver Barry Tuplin expressed concern over the new arrangements: “I was forcibly taken to a secret training camp somewhere in Goole where they made us drive erratically, be rude to passengers, threatening to women and endanger the lives of other road users.”

“However, as a Hull bus driver I have honed these skills for over 20 years, an achievement which resulted in a special award from Osama Bin Laden. ”

“Kind of him,” he added, “but I’m not sure what use I can make of flying lessons, a burka, and the original blueprints for The Deep.”

“Apparently aquatic tourist attractions don’t feature in the Qur'an either.”