Millions of pounds will be saved by not buying expensive medication that serves no purpose other than to mildly numb a group of individuals already equal in mind and body to that found on a Greggs’ trainee programme.

 

A spokesman at the NHS said: “It’s not just the fake junk but the billions of jolly pills dished out by GPs to any patients who don’t tap dance their way into the surgery singing ‘If You’re Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands.’”

 

“At any point in time as much as seventy-five percent of the population is not only off its tits but has no idea where it left them or if it actually still owns a pair. People often find their tits have been gotten off so many times it’s technically impossible to get back on in order to get back off again. We need a new saying. That’s how bad things have got.”

 

“It also means the lover of opium derivative will be able to indulge in the comfort of his or her own cesspool, rather than queuing up at the secret hatch in Boots while scratching their scabs within flaking distance of the toothbrush display.”

 

Wayne Palmer, a twenty-two year-old expert injector with the skin hue of an exhumed Amy Winehouse, said: “If this shit is happening then it better happen good. I hear BUPA give their patients Karachi Gold fresh from the shores of paradise. If it’s the National Health they’ll be buying it cut with baby shit from Smack Alan down Hessle Rd, then pumping it in through a manky hypodermic wiped down with a bit of rag between appointments.”

 

The NHS source also confirmed that from next winter flu injections will be cancelled but the elderly will be encouraged to keep themselves active by filling up on disco biscuits produced and distributed under the Sanatogen label.