Humberside Police said budget cuts mean it’s totally pointless ringing them up should you arrive home to find the front door off its hinges and a screaming void where the 40" plasma used to be, even if the theft has been properly endorsed by a faecal calling card dropped on your best Asda rug.

 

Crime Prevention Officer Nigel Smelt explained how anyone can build their own DIY Defence System:

 

"First you must establish which of the many baseball bats in JJB is truly yours. You’ll know your Excalibur the moment you hold it in your hands and take that first practice swing deep into the scrawny pus-filled cheekbone of the unsuspecting Saturday assistant."

 

"Riding home on the bus, scumbag stick proudly across your knee, you may begin to experience feelings of heroism, bravery and valour, and in bed that night you might even manage full entry without the help of the internet tablets."

 

"But remember, technically it’s an extra long Rounders bat and you must purge from it every last hint of the gay. You can achieve this by driving half a dozen six-inch nails through the 'business' end, and by painting along the main body a row of black 'hoodie' tops, each crossed through with a blood-red line, below which you should inscribe your motto: Protect, Help, Paralyse."

 

"Congratulations, your system is now ready to use. If it helps put you in the mood try watching all 5 Death Wish films back-to-back before giving next door’s cat a damn good braining."

 

It was also confirmed that the public will be trained in other aspects of law enforcement, including customer relations.

 

A spokesman said: "A short seminar will teach the three phrases crucial to good policing: 'Hello, hello, hello', 'What’s all this then?' and of course: 'Please would you wait until 8pm to do your rape, as I could do with the overtime.'"

 

He added: "To become filth you must think like filth."