For just over a year husband and wife team John and Jane Shy-Stairs have been running ‘Upper Crust Deliveries’ to the richest of our local communities, places like Beverley, Cottingham and Bilton.

 

The company repackages household favourites and promotes them in exciting ways designed to attract the aristocracy, before hawking them from the back of a Bedford van.

 

John told us, “It works a treat, we’ll take something like a Big Mac and turn it into ‘A steak mince patty in a rustic bread escallop’, or maybe a family bargain bucket from KFC which we’ll transform into ‘a cask of corn fed poulet roasted in a provincial batter. They can’t get enough of it, the greedy twots.”

 

Their business growth has been remarkable and, considered against the backdrop of the worst economic downturn in 40 minutes, the Shy-Stairs acumen cannot be understated. Yet John told us, “People don’t realise that we’ve had our tough times. We were making a killing on ‘Individually Foiled Confectionery’ until Woolies went bust and the supply of pick’n’mix dried up.”

 

“It nearly finished us. If it hadn’t been for our accountant suggesting that we transform into a failing bank and claim a capital injection of £50 million from central government, I don’t know how we’d have paid our hugely inflated bonuses this year.””

 

No-one can deny their success, yet many observers have criticised the shameless way in which the Shy-Stairs take advantage of that strata of society most at risk of mental illness due to public schooling, interbreeding and an unashamed admiration for Giles Brandreth.

 

Nevertheless, former Upper Class Advisor Antony Simpering thinks it’s more than acceptable, “In my experience they like to be pandered to, and they love having their ego massaged. Not to mention their prostate, and that’s just the ladies.”